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News: Does Christmas drive couples crackers?

The kids are only just back at school and the next thing on the agenda is Christmas! Still - relationship experts reckon it’s no bad thing to look early at the stresses that can drive couples crackers at Christmas.

It’s no secret that the festive season can be a stressful time. Overspending, being with the family far more than usual, juggling time between parents and in-laws and trying to make sure that everything’s perfect all place huge demands on a relationship. Whilst these seasonal stresses don’t cause relationship problems in themselves, additional pressures can expose underlying cracks in a partnership.

It’s during the immediate post Christmas period that the counsellors and psychotherapists note a dramatic increase in the number of couples seeking professional help with their relationship.

Very often one person in the couple will feel that they have done most of the work - the presents, decorations, choosing the tree, extra food shopping and cooking – and this leads to resentment. Conversely the other partner may be feeling excluded from the preparations and that they have no contribution to make.

"Rather than let these feelings fester, talk about them with your partner," says psychotherapist Susanna Abse, director of The Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships.  "You may find that they’re only to pleased to take on or give up some of the responsibility. On a practical level it may even help to draw up a list of things that need to be done and between you allocate jobs and responsibilities."

Most people have their own idea of ‘the perfect Christmas’ and these traditions are often strongly ingrained from our childhood experiences. However, everybody’s ideal scenario will be different and with two people holding a different picture of what constitutes a ‘proper’ Christmas, the end result is that both partners may end up feeling disappointed and dissatisfied.

"Couples should sit down and talk about their expectations" said Susanna. "It can be helpful to share and discuss your own childhood experiences of Christmas and maybe together you could begin to decide what kind of Christmas you want now. Couples have to create a new family culture of their own and that takes time and means tolerating differences."

Some people choose to spend Christmas abroad just to avoid seeing the in-laws but for most people spending time with our partner’s family is an almost inevitable part of the festive season and is often the cause of tension and conflict.

Susanna explained: "Individuals can lose their sense of themselves as part of a adult couple in the presence of their own families. Most of the problems arise from a conflict of loyalties in which people are left feeling torn between their family and their partner."

"Christmas is often perceived as being ‘all about family’ but this shouldn’t be at the expense of your couple relationship. Making time exclusively for each other without relatives around can give you the space you need to just be a couple."

"Accept that there is no such thing as the perfect family or the perfect Christmas," says Susanna, "and when problems do arise, don’t ignore them. Communication is essential but sometimes this can be difficult. Many people find that it can help to talk through their relationship problems with a trained professional."

The relationship counselling and psychotherapy services offered by the Tavistock Centre for Couple Relationships are available to everyone irrespective of marital status, age, income, ethnicity or sexual orientation.

To find out more about the services available contact the centre by calling 020 8938 2353 or visit the website http://www.tccr.org.uk

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